Grasping for Grace

If The Apostle Paul truly believed himself to be the foremost of sinners (and I do believe that he believed that) then I have some hard realities to wake up to in my life. I need to strive even harder to be vulnerable before my Father. I must know my sin to truly know the sweetness that is God's grace. No wonder I have been entirely underwhelmed by The Spirit lately. I have been hiding from my sin and therefore have hidden the magnitude of His gospel from my own sight. I cannot feel it, I cannot see it because what I think of when I think of God is from a reference point of my own abilities. My own strengths. My amazing yet non-existent qualities. I am nothing apart from the gospel. I am nothing apart from the mercy of Heaven.

It is an uplifting thought, not depressing as it may appear on the surface. To claim wretchedness would logically seem to be self deprecating and self destructive. And in one sense they are. Because self will not bring me joy. Self will not bring me eternal life. Self holds no claim to the lifespring that is the Gospel. Yet even though these admissions do in fact devalue my self, they build a different core of strength within me. It lifts me much higher than I could have otherwise lifted myself on my own efforts, no matter how valiant.

Still, sitting here... believing every. single. word. I am typing, I am upsettingly underwhelmed by it all. Not so far as indifferent. But far too close to it for my own comfort. I would like to be able to honestly say I am more Christ-like than that. That I feel the reality of my own sin to the point of bitterness, thus revealing an even deeper sweetness through my real knowledge of the Gospel... but I am nowhere near that yet. I am still far too unaware of both.

"Till sin be bitter, Christ will not be sweet." -Thomas Watson

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