Monday, August 27, 2012

Two Year Old Tantrums and Thunderstorm Lovin'

    The past week has been one of mayhem, madness and more than our fair share of crankiness. A week ago this morning I heard fussing down the hall which is an entirely normal occurrence when it comes to our little guy waking up, but it didn't take long to realize that something wasn't right. As I rounded through his doorway from the hall I saw a dazed little boy sitting on the floor looking completely bewildered... NOT normal. He is usually either very happy or very angry upon waking up... but almost never overly calm. As I picked him up from the floor I discovered why. My little boy had overnight become a jittery, shaky little space heating furnace!

   I don't know if I'm admitting something abnormal here or merely joining the ranks of momdom, but I never feel more motherly than when my kid is sick. It's a bit twisted, sure, but something in me takes over, the "to-the-rescue" instinct kicks in... and that particular brand of adrenaline makes me feel more authentically suited to the role of Mom than anything else I have experienced yet. And, I like it. I don't like my kid being sick, but I like what it does to me. How it strips me of my selfish momma tendencies or my worries about what kind of parent other people must think that I am. It's a strange inverse effect that I'm sure doesn't apply to all sickness-related situations... I am sure that there is a level of seriousness at which this inverse relationship between my not knowing what is ailing my son and my sense of competence peeks and collides to where I would end up feeling entirely helpless... BUT those are situations I choose not to mentally delve into without due cause so as not to incite a self inflicted heart attack. As for colds and low grade fevers? Coughs and sore throats? Weird as it is to say I get a "I was made for this" sense of strength feeling that seems to bubble up from somewhere deep inside of me. A place I didn't know existed until these past two years.

   Yes, you read that right... Bastian is almost two. TWO. When. Did. That. Happen???? At first I thought that the sickness was what caused the newly found flailing and floor-headbutting skills to come out and play... but the fever has been gone several days now while the "fussies" remain. I put that in quotations because it's a euphemism if I have ever seen one. Try full on rage! Like I have never seen before. The first time it happened was the day after we woke up to furnace boy and hopped in the car immediately to see Dr. SomethingOrOther at the immediate care center... without even taking the time for coffee (nothing makes you feel like a mom quite so much as exhaustion and caffeine deprivation in my book)... Despite being told it was merely a non-strep throat infection, I was convinced my kid was having a seizure! He cried. I cried. He screamed... I did too (unfortunately). Then he began with the wriggling and kicking and headbutting... at the same time he graduated from screaming to full on shrieking....

   Really I would rather not recall the incident, but I can't help doing so when he insists on giving me recaps now and again to keep the experience fresh in my mind. That's right. Terrible twos? Totally a real thing. Yesterday? We had a meltdown because now that Mommy has the sore throat and headache from hell, she just wasn't up for sitting out on the porch to watch the rain.

   At least I know he's mine... begging to go outside because it's raining rather than the other way around. Something tells me there will be quite a few people reading this entry with mischievous smirks, nodding in that knowing way, because it's not as if I wasn't warned I would get one just like me. And to you I say, you were right...

...and thank God for that.

Thursday, August 16, 2012

A Mess, Just Like the Rest

   Sometimes I forget how lucky I am to have such a naturally happy and well behaved child. Sometimes it doesn't occur to me that not all women feel comfortable talking to their husbands about their fears and insecurities. That some husbands make their wives feel scared instead of safe. Often times I don't acknowledge how decadent it really is that we each have our own car and phone and computer. In comparison... to pretty much everywhere else in the world. Sometimes I take for granted that the people in my life know that I love them. I don't make a point of telling them just how much, and why. Sometimes I get irritated over the most asinine things. Like the fact that my kid knocked the mouse onto the floor as he climbed up onto the couch so that he could be attached to my hip while he ate his Bunny Grahams and watched yet another episode of Veggitales. Didn't he know that I was trying to write? Doesn't he get that this is my calling? Sometimes I let the TV take over. Sometimes I forget to brush my teeth until 2pm (yes, I know, gross).

   Other times I feel like I've got all of my ish together. Feel accomplished because I got dressed even though I knew I wouldn't be leaving the house that day. I write and read and exercise and cook meals that my son actually consumes, and all within a 24 hour time span. Sometimes my makeup matches my outfit and every once in an incredibly long time my underwear matches my bra. There are times when my house is clean and my fridge is stocked and there is no junk food in sight. Days in a row in which we play outside instead of staying cooped up inside. When I meet up with friends and family. Days when I remember to pray on purpose.

   But most of the time I'm pretty close to what some people would call a mess. Most of the time I'm selfish and lazy and completely, totally unaware. I think that truth be told, most of us are. And that's ok so long as we never stop...

   Never stop trying to be the person we know we will someday be capable of being. The one we see in our heads when the negative voice pauses to breathe in before continuing on in it's tirade of self humiliation. The person we actually are when we forget about all the messiness and instead choose to inhabit the wealth of the life that we were given to live.

Saturday, August 11, 2012

Once More on Writing...

   I haven't been writing much lately, not here and really not anywhere. I can't tell whether my self imposed daily writing requirement burned me out or if it was actually helping. Either way I'm sure my attitude going in to each days writing (most days of which could be more accurately described as merely typing) did more to harm my spirit than the practice itself. The results of this exercise remind me of the saying I've heard countless times "Practice doesn't make perfect, only perfect practice makes perfect". Meaning doing the same thing over and over again, making the same mistakes, going into the activity with the wrong motivations only builds a form of mental muscle memory that propels you to further repeat your mistakes. The wrongness (behaviors or thought patterns) become quickly ingrained. Doing something right 3 times, even if it takes longer, does more towards perfecting (or at least mastering) your craft than doing it wrong 30 times.

   With writing this is hard to gauge since how do you know, being a writer and not an editor (and oh God am I not an editor), what exactly you are doing wrong. And what constitutes as perfection or mastery? While I don't have those answers figured out in their entirety I do know that mentally viewing writing as a chore has done nothing to improve my output or the quality of it. This does not mean that the exercise was a wastes however, in fact, it was the opposite. I learned something about myself. While inspiration does most often "find me working" (come when I am actively writing in spite of a lack of inspiration), if I am going through the motions begrudgingly... if I don't get my head right in advance of touching my fingers to the keyboard or my pen to paper, then I am warding off inspiration even more effectively than if I were not writing at all.

   So here's to an attitude shift. A renewed resolution to view my writing as a gift. A responsibility rather than an obligation... the distinction of which makes all the difference.

Wednesday, August 1, 2012

Participation (not) Required

   So here's the deal, I am not one for self-promotion or shameless advertising, and as such I have shied away from contests, giveaways and anything else that could come off as a ploy to boost my number of followers without actually earning them through quality content. But, while I do have a decent number of readers who I've gained slowly over time (that I am truly grateful for), my fear of self-promotion has not seemed to do anything helpful in terms of gaining a lively and interested group of readers... a community. Because, as you see, not many people know that I'm here, since I don't... you know... tell them.

   That being the case, I am going to attempt to be a little more straightfoward and try this whole speaking-what-I-want-into-existence thing... I've heard it really works. So ultimately what I'm looking for is a growing readership of people who are interested in jumping in and discussing a wide variety of topics. I would like for my words to make it out to a wide audience, and hopefully to make a positive impact in doing so. I would be lying if I said that the lack of interaction this whole blogging thing has attained thus far isn't discouraging. I have let it get to me and my motivation to create new content has been wavering for a few months now... so I'm putting this out to you guys, the wonderful, amazing. loyal followers that I do have... what makes you want to keep coming back. What type of self-advertising is appealing to you? What does a blogger do that reminds you that you want to read their content without turning you off by making you feel like they are begging for attention?


   I would love to get your feedback! And while we're on this topic I would like to ask you a vaguely related favor.... I am in a contest that requires some serious self-promotion to win, and since I don't have your feedback yet on the best way to go about asking for participation I will simply share this:

   My Pinterst board was chosen by Victorias Secret model Candice Swanepoel as one of 6 finalists in this contest that runs through August 20th. IF you like my board, I would greatly appreciate you bookmarking the link (click the photo above) and voting once a day between now and then. As some of you know I have recently lost a good deal of weight, and as others may also know, we plan to have more children in the future, this means a lot of body size fluctuations and so my wardrobe is having a very difficult time keeping up. Also, if I win (depending on what is obtained as a result of the grand prize) it may just mean more new Schizophrenic Style posts for you! Win / Win! For the win! So, please take a moment and let me know what you think, vote, share... however you choose to help is greatly appreciated!

Related Posts Plugin for WordPress, Blogger...