Monday, December 10, 2012

A Forest of Fog

   I should be writing about all of the events that I haven't gotten around to posting about yet... Thanksgiving, Christmas Kickoff, my birthday... our first official masquerade event... but, really, right now I am so beyond emotionally drained I wouldn't even know where to begin. So many good things have happened since I last updated the blog, and I am SO grateful for them... but some other really important stuff has fallen apart, and I just can't focus. Have you ever been in one of those weird hazy, this-can't-be-real type dazes? Like you're caught in a fog trying to read road signs in an unfamiliar place? Because that is where I am right now. I feel like I am constantly on the verge of crying but I never quite know whether out of happiness or sadness... because it's as if they are both physical entities literally sitting on my shoulders threatening to duel it out, and I'm simply overwhelmed by their constant bickering. And just when I think to myself "silence would really be better than this", silence comes and I feel so completely bewildered and alone. Silence of course being symbolic of a break from (what feels like) external emotional stimulus... every once in a while a feeling of strange calmness settles in and that sensation scares me most of all. It scares me because my addictive history with the numb sensation. It scares me because "Something big just went down, how can you not care... even if just for a moment?".

   But one can only care so much before something inside them shuts down in need of refueling. And I haven't refueled in quite a while. Someday I will learn to fill up before my tank runs dry, but for now it would seem my gas gauge is either broken or routinely ignored. And although I feel the later is more likely true, and under normal circumstances I would apologize for that (because of how my negligence in taking care of myself adversely affects other people)... I. Just. Can't. Not this time. Because I don't have even that much to give in this moment. I can't think through another apology. I've been doing nothing but, for what feels like a month now. And I don't take any of it back. I have done wrongs and I have made attempts to rectify them, some successful and others not, but either way my regret and guilt is there, and I do want very badly to repair all broken bonds... but right now, at this moment there isn't much of me to bond onto to. If that makes any sense at all.

   Then, just when I get a bit of a grip emotionally some physical ailment pops up and sweeps the rug out from under me. I don't want to dig too deep here on this point because I logically know that fear has a very strong grip on me in this moment... but suffice it to say that a repeat offender is making itself hard to ignore in that physical wellness category of my life and while I have been trying to ignore it, because of what it could mean for me, I am going to have to seek out an answer soon. So, if you are reading this and you happen to have a spare moments worth of emotional energy to say a prayer on my behalf or send some positive vibes this way I would really greatly appreciate it.

This post isn't going to have an eloquent, or even logical end... because this is all I have got. And now you have it to, if you want it. Or whatever.

Merry Christmas.

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