Friday, July 15, 2011

On the Mic and Off the Air

As if things hadn't been going well enough for me already, I got a call Wednesday afternoon from one of my very best friends Leanne with some really awesome news... she had gotten a free ticket to the 2011 Unity Tour with Sublime and 311 for each of us through her brother's work (more on that part later). After jumping for joy and screaming to each other back and forth over the phone for a little while we both agreed we'd figure out the rest of the details the next morning and from there I tried to go on with my evening as normal, but lets just say I had a difficult time getting to sleep.

So after a few minor mishaps yesterday morning I made my way out to my hometown so we could take the train into Chicago together. There is something about hoping on a train and walking around downtown that feels so, I don't know... adult, to me. Maybe it's because when I was younger I couldn't be trusted to do such things and so when most of my peers were collecting ticket stubs I was staying closer to home. Or it could be because I'm navigationally challenged and on the whole the train system is intimidating to me, something you have to be an insider to understand. There never seem to be any signs posted and yet everyone but me seems to know inherently which side of the platform to wait on, which train their supposed to get on, where the darn bathroom is. But all of that is an aside from my story....

View from from doors of the Merchandise Mart

The show itself was awesome. Sublime played well and it took me back to some of the more pleasant memories I have of my teenage years, something about their music manages to put a positive spin on a negative time in my life for me so it was a very welcome dose of nostalgia. Really though, I was blown away by 311's performance. They have so much energy live and yet manage to sound so polished and practiced... flawless really, yet not that overproduced sound I'm getting so tired of from the stuff passing as music lately. They were absolutely real and raw and all of those great things that make music an experience instead of just entertainment. One of the few bands I've seen that sound just as good, if not better live than they do in their studio recordings.

Waiting for Unity Tour 2011 to start

Letting loose like that with such a close friend was so very awesome, and the whole concert on it's own was a great experience to be able to tuck away in my memory banks, but honestly my favorite part about the show wasn't something about the show at all... it was watching some of the people there enjoying themselves. One guy in particular who had a spot near where we were standing for the entire duration, and I could not stop myself from looking over and just smiling. At first I thought it was funny... in a "look at that crazy guy over there, doesn't he care that everybody is staring at him?" kind of way, but my initial reaction quickly changed. I realized that he wasn't, like some of the other people there, acting out under the influence, trying to escape from something or get attention or anything other than share the happiness he had, something I sensed was completely sincere and genuine. Refreshing. So I took his lead... and for the rest of the night I let myself express my happiness, and excitement without worrying about those who may think it was silly or awkward. I figured that maybe some, or even a lot of people would think I was crazy but maybe a few would look at me and find themselves smiling like I did when I looked to my left and saw this guy, slightly older than the majority of the crowd, dancing and singing by himself while those around him nodded their heads and pumped their fists now and again... all with a huge smile of his own spread across his face... or maybe it was just his spirit I felt smiling.

There were probably plenty of others like him, but it only took one person to inspire me to open up. I tend to guard myself quite a bit in terms of how much I show of my excitement. Not usually disappointment or upset. I tend to be most uncomfortable sharing my happiness with people, like if I am bubbly and enthusiastic my authenticity will come under question. I feel most awkward in those situations, the ones where I'm really enjoying myself but don't know how it will be received if I show it, and that my friends is a sad state of affairs. Luckily one that can, and will be corrected. Not starting now either; starting yesterday.

311 at Charter One Pavilion

By the end of the concert my legs felt like noodles from jumping and my head was pounding but God did it feel good to just expend all the energy I had into a complete head to toe physical expression of joy. And my night was not even over...

From the concert Leanne and I were invited to stop by her brother's place of work to run up, grab his bag and look around real quick. What made that such a treat (albiet a somewhat bittersweet one) is that he works, or I guess now the appropriate term is worked, for Q101 and when we arrived they were in the process broadcasting for the very last time over the radio waves. It was sad, and awesome and momentous. We had roughly 40 people all crammed in the studio with Chris Payne at the mic. Everyone cheering, clapping, laughing, making toasts, cracking jokes... trying not to get too sentimental, but often failing. It would have been impossible not to get somewhat mushy here and again though, I am not a member of the Q101 family and I felt myself getting teary-eyed! You could just sense the camaraderie and love in the room. It was amazing to see; to get a glimpse into the heart of something like that. This strong sense of community, and not just between those in the studio, it was a feeling of connection with this huge family of people that were listening in that moment and also those who had built an emotional connection with the radio station at different points throughout it's nearly 2 decade run.

Q101 Last few minutes broadcasting

How do you put experiences like these into words? Because, seriously... I'm out of them and yet what I've written above does not even come close.





Wednesday, July 13, 2011

There's No Place Like Home

A new home is something I had been dreaming of for a long time... Not my dream home, although I have spent an continue to spend plenty of thought time on that as well, but what I was aching for these past months (years even) has been something with more than one bedroom. The ability to do laundry in my own place of residence without the aid of a roll of quarters. A garage.

I cannot even begin to explain how blessed I am. As I type this I am looking around me at the walls and ceilings, windows and doors of something that is so, so much more than I could have hoped for in a first real home (a condo will always just be a condo no matter how cute). It's funny too how these things happen. It had been several weeks since the listing for our condo went live and not a single person had been by to see the place. I was honestly beginning to put the idea of a move out of the forefront of my daily thoughts. If for no other reason than to ease my disappointment.

I had finally let my mind stray for a moment, though my prayers remained the same. And as happens more often than I tend to realize things fell into place. Funny how that happens.

Two showings were booked and a day after the second one our friends and families were suddenly barraged with "WE HAVE RENTERS!!!" text messages, phone calls... I think even a few carrier pigeons went out!! We were excited to say the least, but there was also a whole new set of nerves being hit. We had two weeks to find a place to live! And so our search began...

My Father-in-Law clued us in to a listing on a place that happens to be a couple blocks down from where I'm sitting right now, and though it was a nice house (quite a bit more modern than is my preference) we decided to keep looking around before we made any decisions. We might as well cruise around town for a few minutes while we were already there, see if we came across anything. Not much stuck out to us and there wasn't much town to see so we were heading back to the main road when from behind a large pine we noticed a cute old home peeking out at us as we approached the last stop sign before the desired intersection. Gray with black shutters, a sizable front porch and a walk lined in rose bushes... "That's a pretty house!" we said practically in unison. As we spoke together my mind immediately chimed in "I bet it's not available"... but quickly shut up when, again, we both yelled out "And, there's a sign!". My Debbie Downer mind quickly regained her footing and retorted with a "it's gotta be a sale sign, there is no way this house is for rent!". And again, foot to the proverbial mouth... it WAS  a rent sign... and as we both took in that detail out-loud (there seems to be a theme here) from the back yard walked another young couple, child in tow speaking with a real estate agent.

We debated back and forth with our doubting minds and with each other as to whether this couple looked like they were about to snatch the place up before we could even stop the car and get our seat belts unfastened... then about whether we should attempt to impose on the agent standing in the yard by asking if we could check it out while she was there anyway... and well, you all know how this story turned out! So why don't you sit back and take a gander at some of the few photos we have of our humble abode. (detailed room posts to come, sometime, in the future... hows that for a vague advert?)

Front view
Back entrance (off the kitchen)

My guys on the back deck




Kitchen

Looking from the formal living room through the office into the laundry room... yes, Laundry Room!!

View from formal living room into family room, dining room and stairway to second floor

Upstairs Bathroom and Bastian's new room... all to himself! Thank the Lord!! 

Master Bedroom

And same room from opposite angle

COMING SOON! Posts containing pictures that aren't over a month old (and therefore contain furniture!)!!






Wednesday, July 6, 2011

Schizophrenic Style: Rouge, Blanc & Bleu

 Across the nation grills were aflame and as the sun sunk soon following it, so was the sky itself


Light shows timed out perfectly to the Star Spangled Banner


children everywhere in awe, sparklers, magic in their very own hands


Family and friends reunited briefly, bonding over patriotic festivities 


picnics, parades and prayers... thank yous to those who made this way of life true


we are all aware, even on the day of our independence that we are hopelessly imperfect


privileged far beyond our collective earnings, yet at the same time lacking in so much 


 But she is ours. 
Worth fixing, worth protecting and keeping.
Worth restoring and revamping

That is why, every year on the 4th we wear our red, white and blue


"The citizens of the U.S. are responsible for the greatest trust ever confided to a political society" - James Madison






Sunday, July 3, 2011

Joy and the Pitfalls of Chasing Pleasure

Summer, in addition to the heat and hot dogs brings with it the inevitability of an overflowing schedule. The last few years I spent 99% of my summers cooped up in an office building breathing in more than my fair share of recirculated air, leaving home as the sun rose and only occasionally clocking out in time to catch the last few hours before it fell in the sky. Summer is busy season for those publishing company employees who process orders and are front line in communicating with customers in the education field. School's out = book buying booms! This year however I don't have to turn down every event invitation extended my way in light of my 60 + hour a week schedule. Mandatory overtime.

I never realized just how quickly ones schedule can be filled up when someone else isn't deciding it for you... or rather, when you have the time but didn't ever learn to structure a manageable schedule for yourself. One that leaves even an ounce of breathing room.

A few short months ago I believe I was writing on my inability to leave the house more than once a week or so... now, in my house or not I can't seem to sit still for more than 15 minutes. Except when Gilmore Girls and coffee is involved of course... or Firefly and a glass of wine. I won't lie and say that either is an uncommon occurrence, but I will say that in some sense they don't count. Yes, I do relax here and again. But my mind doesn't shut off, wind-down, tune out or more importantly focus, restore or create.

I've been putting off writing, creating, reading, and honestly thinking lately until I just get this next thing done. Until just after this weekend jam packed with events. After I get this house furnished. After the room is painted and the pumpkins have been planted. Sure an ice cream trip to the Dairy Joy is a good quick fix when one is too physically tired to exert any of that mental energy that has been steadily accumulating over these past weeks... but long term it wont help. It won't cultivate a sense of awakeness of spirit. That feeling of really being here in the present. Of fully knowing where I am in a given moment and where I truly want to be, not just what I need to do. All it will really do is give me a sugar buzz and leave me feeling more hungry an hour later than I would have been without it.



I am often asked if I am enjoying being a stay at home mom. Specifically if I like being at home. If I like not working a job.

I do. I enjoy not having a boss write my schedule. But something tells me I'm not enjoying it as much as I should, as much as I thought I would. In this moment I realized why. It's because I am still not taking charge of my own calendar. I am letting it fill itself, I am expecting the lack of a boss to give me the feeling of freedom that I now estimate I will only be achieved by wielding that pen myself. Governing my own agenda. Being the director instead of just an actor in my own life.

Not having a boss is a pleasure. Holding the reigns and living day to day based on my priorities I suspect will bring what I'm really searching for, which is joy. Pleasure is fleeting, joy is enduring. Joy is purpose, and fulfillment of that purpose. Pleasure can be found here and there in laziness, or in business but it almost always is haphazard. It's the result of indulgence. Something which is gone in an instant and leaves in its wake guilt or longing. It is a novelty. Joy... joy requires a plan, and action upon that plan. It requires a destination, a dream, something essential to our very being.

And it requires work.

It requires that we are good. That we sacrifice for others, for our craft, for our priorities. It requires an investment in who we wish to become.






Sunday, June 19, 2011

Just Another Unsung Hero

A friend of mine shared the following quote this morning, and if you follow me on any of my thousands of social networking sites you've already seen it, maybe several times, today:

‎"A good father is one of the most unsung, unpraised, unnoticed, and yet one of the most valuable assets in our society." - Billy Graham

I've written quite a bit about Mother's, motherhood and my mother in particular on this here blog in the short time it has been live but have not said much on the subject of fatherhood. Mostly for the fact that I am indeed not a father, so in that sense it is a somewhat foreign subject to me. But I would be remiss if I didn't take the opportunity that is Fathers Day to comment on the incredible, powerful role that fathers play in society, and more importantly in our personal, individual lives.

We tend to forget, or take for granted just how crucial fathers are, and in some instances we feel unable to state the fact even when we are aware of it due to the unyielding pressure to avoid saying anything that could possibly undermine or offend the growing population of single mothers out there. It's as if giving credit to one group of people must inherently take away credit due to some other group. But downplaying the importance of fathers in our society is doing nobody any favors. Yes, ladies we are capable, wonderful, strong beings and we have the ability to raise amazing, well-adjusted children on our own if need be, but that fact does not negate the other reality we often fail to acknowledge which is that in those instances there is adjusting that needs to be done. Compensating that needs to take place. And in more ways than the surface level financial issues we're all aware of. This is true because the role of the father in a child's life is extremely valuable.

Unfortunately our media today undermines men when it comes to their roles as fathers and husbands. I don't mean to deny here that women are not portrayed by the media in very good light the majority of the time either, but when it comes to depictions of family life men are only useful as comedic relief it seems. They are depicted as lazy, incompetent, irresponsible, selfish and a whole host of other less than savory things. But I am here to say that it's not all true! Sure there are plenty of real life stories out there that resemble the sitcom family of 2011, but there are also so, so many good hardworking, caring, admirable dads out there doing the very best they can. And while the numbers may be dwindling, I do have to ask the other ladies out there in the world just what we think is going to happen when we so consistently and loudly voice our expectation that they will let us and our children down. The old axiom is true: people will live up to or down to your expectation of them.

All of that to say this, the father's I have been blessed enough to have in my life have been nothing short of amazing in so many ways. My father, my Grandfathers, and now my Father-in-Law and especially my Husband, the father of my son... they were and are all strong, loyal, loving teachers, providers and caregivers. Nothing short of heroes in my book. Families have been built on their foundations of honor and integrity, have flourished under their servant leadership, have survived many a storm protected by their hard work and perseverance and have flourished as a result of their constancy and steadfastness.  

So here's to the Fathers. Holding it down since... well, forever.

Papa
My Dad
Jason's Grandpa
FIL
Grandpa
And my #1 man bonding with our little guy!
And to all the other amazing fathers out there; Happy Fathers Day!






Friday, June 17, 2011

Small Town U.S.A.

Well, it's official. We are now small town people. Small town people living in a big (to us) house! And I have to say it feels good.

It feels good to look outside my window and see people walking their dogs, taking a brisk jog in the morning air or pulling their young ones behind them in a wagon down the communal sidewalk... and smiling at each other as they pass. Waving to one another, sometimes even stopping to say hi and chat about the recent graduation ceremonies held for the class of 2011, a whopping 5 kids! ...though I do have to do a little fact checking on that one, we are still new and I'm basing this data on a print-out congratulations flier posted at the one and only chain fast-food establishment in town.

And can I just say, thank God that it is a Subway and not a McDonalds.

Amen to that!

We even woke up our first morning in our new home to the sound of the doorbell. It was, no joke, our next door neighbor with a homemade loaf of raisin bread welcoming us to town. I didn't think those things happened anymore outside of TV and movies. I literally pinched myself.

We have a front porch and a back deck, a fenced in backyard, a soon-to-be pumpkin patch, a laundry room, a garage and most importantly we have our own room once again!! It's such a major relief, and though moving is not easy per-say, and though I'm not going to even try to pretend I'm not tired and slightly overwhelmed... it all feels good. Yes, even the tiredness has that "I'm tired because I've expended all of my energy on something entirely worth it" edge to it which makes it precious somehow. Because soon the newness will wear off and I will long for the type exhaustion I am feeling in this moment.


It is a special variety this fatigue, and I am grateful for it.





Sunday, June 5, 2011

Schizophrenic Style: Wild Horses


She gallops as the light dims slowly in the sky 
Knowing that the now certain summer brings with it a new form of freedom...


Outdoor adventures not unlike those of her own childhood 
At the same time altogether different


Today, adventures along a suburban street, next week,
next month her very own outdoor oasis to explore...


It's an interesting line she trots along


A free and wild spirit yet one whom is so easily spooked
In need of blinders


Easily overwhelmed
Just as easily swept up in the power and beauty of the setting sun
Leaves rustling in the wind


Fiery calm


Powerfully submissive 


 Having once been broken she remains cautious, her countenance bridled 


All the while a quite boldness flows through her veins
Purposeful defiance






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